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i am beat. completely exhausted. i don't know where it came from, an hour ago i was fine and then poof like water draining from a sink my energy left. to quote Aerosmith "i guess my get up and go must have got up and went."
i was going to attempt to catch up on Heroes but my computer has other ideas. it won't load...shit. after this mornings nightmare i don't know if i want to sleep. if a couple cups a coffee doesn't perk my ass up i will go try, Goddess help me.
whew, finally got through catching up on the journals in my favorites. 3 hours, not bad for a first night back online. i wish life wasn't such shite for the majority, i wish it wasn't shite for me either. my mother used to say wish in one hand poo in the other and see which one fills first(OK she didn't say poo but i think telling people that she used to say shit to a 4 to 14 year old is just...bad for lack of a better def. yeah now you know where the extreme attitude comes from).
right now we are trying to recover from a financial downfall. beginning of the year my Husbands hours were cut, they cut Him from 40 to 36 hours a week. He makes(on paper)good money, $17 an hour. ex wife takes 323 from each check for child support(usually i will not begrudge a sensible person the financial support of a child but this is not the case of sensibility. it is pure spite. you don't know the story and i don't desire to tell it right now, bear with me). as i was saying 323 each biweekly paycheck for one child. this means that His paychecks once in the bank are about 780.
we spend every cent on bills, groceries, trying to take care of the kids....
when the hours were cut this resulted in a paycheck of 727 and another of 680.
at the same time we were hit with an electric bill for 210 because the co op saves up days during the year so they can charge the consumer for them at the end of the year in order to pay for the city's Christmas light(fuckers, yeah i said it), they spread the extra days over three months of billing with the highest being December going into January. the job went back to full time after the 680 paycheck and the next one was 727.
so you can see that we had to fall behind on bills. in some cases it was eat or pay and with my Husband being our only source of income since my car was totalled and i lost my license last year because my sudden loss of income leading to an inability to pay a ticket and Diabetic...not eating is not an option.
this leaves us in a very bad position with the beginning of our personal fiscal session(my word for from rent paycheck to big bill paycheck).
we are preparing for an extreme financial hiccup at a time when if these people would just work with us we would be over the hump and OK again by the end of March. this hiccup is of a particularly nasty variety which i will go into after the fact when no one anywhere can hurt us. equate it to the sort that causes a nasty vomiting of bile after which you feel better(sorry for the graphic there).
here is what is killing me...on my social networks counting this one i have approximately 250 friends. people who talk to me about their problems and we joke around and generally have a good time online. knock off of that number about 25 due to age or being on more than one of my networks that still leaves 225.
i should be able to email each of them privately about my situation(i won't. note that i say should)and ask if they can help me out by sending one dollar in the mail. that would help us, take the stress off of my best friends who would love to help but can't and generally give everyone a good feeling but alas it would only lead to me being deleted from accounts and still stuck with the hiccup.
i am not soliciting merely ranting and waxing philosophic. we will be fine but might disappear for a little longer than usual.
it was not a good day for journals or am i thinking of the week in general. sad journals, angry journals....strangers spoiling for a fight and why? who knows? who cares?
i wish winter was over. outside the trees are beginning to bud and if the kids hadn't stolen my batteries from the camera and if the neighbors garbage wasn't piled in the trees i could photograph the harbingers of hay fever and post them....here is a video, maybe some of you will remember this song.
"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women are merely players."
These words penned by William Shakespeare in 1599 or 1600 run around and around in my head chasing their own tail as i surf the social networks in search of intelligent life. I read profile after profile, journal after journal. I see the phrases "I hate drama", "Drama Free Zone", "take your drama somewhere else".
What is drama?
as defined in Merriam-Webster drama is:
1 a: a composition in verse or prose intended to portray life or character or to tell a story usually involving conflicts and emotions through action and dialogue and typically designed for theatrical performance : play — compare closet drama b: a movie or television production with characteristics (as conflict) of a serious play ; broadly : a play, movie, or television production with a serious tone or subject
i am referring to any site and anywhere actually. i posted this particular entry on 5 different sites today. thanks for the input :)
How Stupid...
18:33 Feb 09 2009 Times Read: 1,211
How stupid does a person have to be to call a person who has a restraining order against them? Good friend of mine calls me today and says,"oh i messed up bad this time."
of course i cannot imagine what that could be.
"i called my ex today," she says "and now the State Troopers are coming for me"
oh fuck, thinks i. i didn't have enough bullshit to deal with today without her sorry ass.
the short story is that years ago my friend made a decision that affected every facet of her life, eventually and some would say inevitably costing her home, spouse and children.
i am not unsympathetic but the ex is and that is why the decision to call was stupid.
even better...she didn't even wait for said spouse to answer the phone so she will be serving 3-5(her guess not mine)for an incomplete phone call.
shaking my head and sighing...you know as well as I do that she's been on this path of self destruction for quite a while....and honestly, I am amazed this didn't come sooner.
Lack of Communication
12:49 Feb 09 2009 Times Read: 1,221
As a parent on this site i of course watch out for my son. I asked around about a coven for him and got him in with good people in my opinion.
i follow his progress, read his emails, occasionally talk to his friends as i would were they here in my home; sometimes as a friend other times in parent mode. when i am rating profiles and i see a nice kid then i send them a comment from my sons profile because he is a nice kid.
As a mother i have always tried to do my best and i know that sometimes my best falls miserably short. In the not to distant past(2-3 years ago)i was so busy with work and trying to keep bills payed and maintain my own sanity that i know i wasn't there for him when he needed me. oh we watched TV together and occasionally cuddled and talked.
if someone asked me if i was a good mom i still would have said no, back then. I have a bad temper and did not realize how bad my home situation really was until i was getting ready to leave it. that is another story though.
The point is that adults are not always right and parents aren't perfect, sometimes we err and in trying to keep a roof and supply playthings and sustenance sometimes we don't have or take the time to sit and talk.
As a teen...i was the girl sitting at the corner table with a book. i would look up and see that people had sat at my table and if i got up to leave they came with me.
they called themselves my friends.
i was 14 when i stopped trying to talk to my mother. i believed that i had a good relationship with my father(the key word is believed and no i will not discuss it)but he was never around anymore. i came home from school everyday made a snack and lived in my bedroom.
people rarely saw me, i was mono-syllabic, does this sound familiar?
My life growing up was no bed of roses.
I was born in Portland, Or. lived briefly in Longview, WA and lived in Woodland, WA when Mt. St. Helens erupted in 1980. I began school in Woodland where we lived in the same house on the same street with the same neighbors until i was starting the 4th grade. that year we moved to Idaho. After that we moved a lot and i was not an Army brat. My father is a drunk and a gambler and preferred small rural communities to big cities, places where a person can destroy their own reputation and end up destitute if they aren't careful...yup that was my dad.
i went to 9 different schools between 4th grade and 10th.
When i was 14 we moved back to Portland.
We were living in a residential roach motel and us kids were going to school. My parents just all of a sudden split up. I should have expected it but i didn't, my mom took me, my sister and my brother to a shelter for abused and homeless women and children. I went to school and studied hard, kids liked me but i couldn't do sleep overs or trips to the movies, i couldn't have friends over or give out my number.
A boy tried to walk me home one day and i had to tell him why he couldn't know where i lived. we finally moved across town to a completely different district; a rival school in fact, at the end of the year. My Great Grandparents died over the summer and i spent the last half of the summer in Canada with my Grandpa John.
When i came home my sister and brother had gone to live with my dad and my mother was living at her boyfriends apartment. I had a three bedroom apartment all to myself and my cat.
My mom was trying to build her credit and was afraid to break her lease so i lived there until November. My mother stopped by weekly and picked up her mail. she would shake up the cat food box and if it made noise, the cat had food. Anything that didn't fit in her little fridge at the apartment she left with me. so at age 15 i got a full time job and still went to school.
working every day after school and sometimes double time all weekend i still managed to maintain between 3.5 and 3.75 for my GPA. when the lease ran out on the apartment and my mom saw that i had not left she set me up in an apartment crosstown(again).
She had managed to become an assistant manager at the rat hole dump she moved me into and gave me her free apartment.
Life went on....
i think what i have said here has been enough, maybe to much. this kept me up last night and i needed to get it out. Kids need to talk to their parents and parents need to pay attention to their kids; and parents need to talk to(not down to)their kids and kids need to take advantage of the offered communication and provide feedback as well as take a chance from time to time and tell their parents about themselves.
My Husband called me tonight and told me that starting next week He is back to full time!
Thank goodness! This week we will likely be visiting the food banks. I still have to pay the electric bill($210 the bastards!), I held off to avoid an overdraft but we should be ok.
Next paycheck will be better though so I guess things will be ok. next step is to get the new Buick on the road :)
my next door neighbors are very nice people(those to the right of us that is).
a nice open minded couple in their late 50's early 60's maybe and we have passed many friendly words with us. they have invited us to church a time or two which being pagan we declined. the husband brings treats for the dog(big bloody cow legs mmm).
a couple of days ago he told us that his wife was in the hospital, they feared that she had suffered a mild heart attack.
she stayed a couple of days and was released after being told that it was arthritis in her ribs. this on top of hypoglycemia, asthma and being slightly overweight. she was pretty shaken up. the day she came home i sat and talked with her about helping her with her new diet and accompanying her on her prescribed walks. we have also discussed herbal alternatives which i told her to run by her doctor before using.
yesterday she asked me if i would accompany her to her church to clean and without hesitation i said certainly. what passed over the next couple of hours was some light conversation and jocularity. i noted her difficulty in walking up and down stairs and was glad that i had decided to help.
after cleaning was done i rode with her on her errands. she purchased me a copy of Al Franken's The Truth~with jokes, i can't wait to read it!
when she dropped me off back at home i told her to not hesitate to ask again and she told me that if i ever needed anything just ask.
it was a productive day and i got out of the house. just what i needed.
Poor woman!! Keep in mind she might be in a percieved loss/ grief stage, a lot of people with that kind of news go through that, a good herbal supplement for depression is ST Johns wort, but check with a pharmacist, because it does interact with some medications.
23:46 Feb 03 2009 Times Read: 1,234
i heard from a friend this evening.
i have been trying to contact her for a few days and have been worried. you see she is a transgendered woman with a severe brain injury that causes seizures so she is permanently disabled. she was attacked a couple of months ago and stabbed repeatedly but is recovering so i have a natural concern for her safety. she also has a history of depression and mental illness; she has attempted suicide a couple of times in the last twelve months.
as i said, i had been trying to reach her for a few days and have been unsuccessful.
today i was on the phone with my good friend Garnet when "A" called. i called her back out of concern and relief only to find that she just returned home today after yet another suicide attempt.
i don't know where it came from, a week and a half ago things were looking up and she was perfectly happy, then within a day of my last phone call to her she drinks and downs all of her meds....again. this time what saved her was a phone call to a stranger. the man called 911 after she told him that she had taken a bottle of pills with alcohol and did not want to die alone.
*pause
at what point do i stop giving a fuck? i am not a heartless person but i honestly do not know how much more i can take.
tonight she called and told me this and i responded by telling her that she should have called. i usually cheer her up, apparently this time she didn't want cheering up.
if nothing else when she calls me and tells me she is suicidal, she can count on me to make fun of her which usually gets her laughing....
OK, i will never be MVP at the suicide hot line but for her it generally works. i asked her what she is doing today and she said she didn't want to tell me because i would yell at her.
dun dun dun got DRAMA?
i told her that she underestimated me, she said she was drinking a beer. after a moment i said "oh, OK" she was surprised that i didn't yell at her. people i ask, what purpose does it serve to become angry with a brain damaged person for drinking a beer when i am on the phone with them. it makes as much sense as yanking a cigarette out of a pregnant woman's mouth because they are bad for the baby.
both actions only serve to make the person who is messing up to feel cared for.
well folks i have about run out of "give a fuck" when it comes to this person.
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